Dear The Walking Dead,
Remember in the first recap of the season when I said that we should hug now since I will probably want to punch you later? I would like to punch you now.
OK, on with the recap. SPOILERS AHEAD…
We open with Glenn. This is the kind of opening shot that would normally feature Rick.
I should have known.
Glenn, Rick, Michonne, and a bunch of Alexandrians are hauling ass through the forest with the horn blaring in the background. They’re trying to get Tobin on the radio.
Is Tobin still alive? I can’t remember if Tobin is still kicking after the Wolves attacked. I hope so.
The Alexandrians they are dragging along with them include Heath, Scott, and Annie, who seem useful. Then there’s Nicholas, who really does seem to be trying to not be a worm anymore. I have no confidence in his ability to suck it up, though. Then there are the three that I am going to call Blue Shirt Asshole, Stupid Hat Idiot, and Cool Guy Married to Betsy. I have no idea what their actual names are.
End of tangent.
Daryl wants to break off and head back to Alexandria when he hears that half of the herd is headed that way. Ricktator says no. Daryl is not pleased with that answer.
Nicholas is freaking out. Dude’s going to have a panic attack in the middle of the herd.
Annie sprains her ankle, because of course.
And then Blue Shirt Asshole, whose shirt really should be a red, starts freaking out about how all of this is Rick’s fault. He immediately gets on Michonne’s last aching nerve.
Rick comes up with a plan to circle around, grab the RV and use it to lead the herd away from Alexandria. He pulls Michonne and Glenn aside and tells them to do what they have to do to get back. To do their best, but that probably not all of the Alexandrians will make it.
Well, that was an understatement, huh?
Heath was hiding behind a tree eavesdropping and probably thinking Rick is a dick. Because he kind of is, even if we love him.
Of course, Blue Shirt Asshole gets munched by walkers because he’s a moron who should not be allowed out with the big kids. Michonne puts him out of his misery.
AND the horn stops. (Thanks, Morgan!)
Rick takes Blue Shirt’s weapons and offends the delicate sensibilities of the other Alexandrians before he tells them to get home safe and hauls ass off into the woods.
Glenn is such a sweetheart, giving the Alexandrians pep talks. Then Michonne steps in with “We’re going to end anything we run into and keep going forward”. God bless. She’s such a ray of sunshine.
They run into a bunch of walkers and OF COURSE Stupid Hat Idiot does exactly what Glenn said NOT to do and pulls his gun. He shoots poor Scott in the leg and runs off into the woods by himself.
Shall we pour one out for him now? Because there is NO WAY he’ll survive on his own. Lets.
Shit. Cool Guy Married to Betsy got bit. Damn it. He’s all badass and “We gotta keep going, right?” and I’m sad. What’s yer name, Cool Guy Married to Betsy?
Back to Daryl, Abe and Sasha. Daryl TOTALLY ditches out on Abe and Sasha and they are NOT psyched with him. I get it, but it seems like a big risk for a big maybe, dude.
Gee, thanks, dude. The look on Sasha’s face is pretty priceless.
Michonne and Cool Guy have a heart to heart as they walk down the road. He tells her how he has been married for three months. Aaron brought him in and they found his future bride, Betsy, on the way back to Alexandria. He says he had given up on being a person and that Betsy made him better than how he used to be. He just wants to make it home to say goodbye.
Hitting home, Michonne?
I will admit it…I am a Richonne shipper. Rick and Michonne so need to make pretty babies together.
Scott is losing lots of blood and they need to bandage his wound. They need to find someplace not out in the open to do it.
Oh fun. A deserted, trashed town. Those are always good news on The Walking Dead.
None of the cars are working, of course.
Michonne and Glenn agree that they have plenty of time to stop and get everyone patched up before heading back. They don’t want to leave anyone behind.
Turns out this town is where Nicholas and Aiden deserted their team when shit went south. Nicholas admits he and Aiden were clueless and terrified. He’s sounding pretty disgusted with himself these days. Nicholas was there last, though, so he gets nominated to show everyone the way home.
That’ll go well.
They find Stupid Hat Idiot’s hat. Then they find Stupid Hat Idiot acting as the main course in a little walker feast. No surprise.
The herd is closing in and Nicholas is second guessing himself and panicking. Shit. I’m beginning to feel sorry for Nicholas. He’s a freaking mess.
They take shelter in a pet store and plan on patching everyone up and getting out. Things are getting tense between Heath and Michonne. He’s getting pretty snarky with her and she’s getting pretty pissed.
Glenn comes up with a plan to light a building or two on fire to distract the herd and insists on doing it himself.
GLENN, LET MICHONNE DO IT. I’M BEGGING YOU.
Then he busts out the Herschel classic “We all have a job to do” and I want to cry.
THAT’S NOT FAIR, RHEE.
Nicholas pipes up that there’s a feed store that should go up easy and offers to help.
Glenn goes off by himself for a minute, pulls out the pocket watch that Herschel gave him and radios Rick to give him an update. Rick, who is hauling ass down the road in a major way.
Why is sweaty Rick running in cowboy boots hot? Is it the bowlegs and the gun belt?
Rick runs across a group of walkers and goes after then with a pocket knife, which, WTF GRIMES? Where did your good knife go, young man? It looks like he sliced his hand open with the knife. Then got a bunch of walker blood all over him.
Is that a problem? Is that the same as a bite or a scratch? Fuck.
Glenn closes his update with “Good luck, dumbass.”
HOW DID I NOT SEE WHERE THIS EPISODE WAS GOING???
At least Rick got a decent knife off of one of the walkers.
Annie and Scott want everyone to leave them behind. Heath refuses and says “We don’t leave people behind. NOT US.”
Um, wow. Put away your claws, bitch.
Michonne pulls him aside to have a little heart to heart about what his fucking problem is and he tells her that he heard what Rick said. Michonne fills him in on how out of his league he actually is.
Yep, you are WAY out of your league, dude. WAY.
Glenn and Nicholas find a kid that was on Nicholas’ crew. He’s a walker pinned under a car now. Glenn tells Nicholas that he’s not that guy anymore because Glenn is a sweet cupcake who is too good for this world. Please don’t die, Glenn.
Nicholas puts the walker out of his misery and they hear gunshots from home. The walkers are getting drawn by the gunfire. Shit.
Rick makes it to the RV.
Seriously, Rick. What’s UP with your hand? I feel like it’s getting waved around too much to be a minor injury.
Cool Guy breaks my heart and tries to give Michonne a note for Betsy. She writes “You’re getting home” on her arm and gives it back.
Michonne, you just jinxed him.
Turns out there are walkers in the back room of the pet store and they just now start making a ruckus that the walkers outside hear. Of course. Michonne looks out the window and sees the herd coming. Fuck.
Commercial break with a commercial for the new Walking Dead game that features Daryl’s voice and it SO does not sound like Daryl. Was Reedus drunk or sick or something when he did the voice work? Also, video game Daryl looks like a Sims character and it’s disturbing.
Back to it…
Michonne and her peeps run like hell trying to make it away from the herd.
Shit. Annie’s dead. Poor Annie.
Glenn and Nicholas get to the feed store to find it burnt AND the herd’s coming for them. Double shit.
Michonne and her guys come to a gate and climb over. Michonne and Cool Guy both get grabbed by walkers.
Glenn and Nicholas are in their own dead end. Things are not looking good. Why don’t they try for the stairs up to the roof? WHY???
Michonne gets free and Cool Guy…does not. Shit. Pour one out for Cool Guy.
GRAB THE NOTE, MICHONNE!!!!!
She does not.
Glenn and Nicholas get up on the dumpster. Nicholas is freaking out. This is not looking good.
Glenn falls off the dumpster with Nicholas’ body on top of him.
Here, my notes, which were thumb-typed on my phone in the dark while watching the show, read “SOMEBOFY TESCITEY BABY BOY”. I think I was type-screaming for someone to rescue my baby boy. BECAUSE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO RESCUE MY BABY BOY!!!!
So here is where the controversy comes in. Blood is literally pouring all over Glenn. The walkers are eating bits of….someone. The internets exploded with the wailing and gnashing of fandom teeth over Glenn being dead.
Here’s what I think. I think they’re eating bits of Nicholas, who fell on top of Glenn. Scott M. Gimple and Greg Nicotero are evil bastards who came up with the idea of shooting it so that it looks like they are disemboweling and devouring Glenn.
BUT THEY’RE EATING NICHOLAS.
Here, watch. That’s Nicholas.
That being said, Glenn is now trapped under walker bait with a herd surrounding him and I’m not sure how the fuck he’s going to get out of this. In my imagination, he scoots under the dumpster and hides until the walkers get distracted by something else. And survives and lives to have babies and grandbabies with Maggie and dies in his sleep at 95, THE END.
I cannot believe that they would let Glenn go out like that. Nope. No. Nein.
And we’re down to Michonne, Heath and Scott walking through the woods toward home. They come to a creek and Heath sees himself so covered in blood that he’s not sure if it belongs to him, walkers or his friends.
Heath is having a reality check sort of a day.
Rick gets to where he thinks he should be with the RV. He can’t get Glenn or Tobin on the radio.
He gets Daryl and Sasha on the radio. Sasha is PISSED. It’s nice to see Sasha experiencing emotions other than despair this season. I missed her sass.
Rick tells them about the gunfire coming from back home and gives them a pep talk about how they have to sit with it and trust that the people back there can handle it. That if they turn back because they’re afraid, it will not help the folks back home.
And Rick FINALLY grabs some kleenex for his hand. Lord, man. Isn’t there a first aid kit in there?
He’s about to say something else into the radio when FUCK….Wolves with guns. Goddamn it. MORGAN, DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID WHEN YOU LET THEM WALK OUT ALIVE???
Daryl hears the gunshots and freaks.
They are, obviously, fucking with the wrong guy, though. Rick shoots them both, then finds a jar of what I am assuming is Judith’s baby food in one of their pockets. Shit. Rick spots the other Wolf idiots sneaking along the side of the RV, takes the big gun from one of the dead guys and LIGHTS THAT SHIT UP.
Seriously. They’re fucking with the wrong guy.
It looks like Daryl turned around to meet up with Sasha and Abe.
OK, here’s Daryl the entire episode:
Ride, ride, ride, yell in the radio, ride, ride, ride.
Rick tries to get the RV started and OF COURSE IT DOESN’T START. For fuck’s sake.
And here comes the herd.