Dear Writers of The Walking Dead,

OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Sigh. Bastards. This is going to stretch on through the mid-season finale, I’ll bet. Settle in, people.

On with the show….

We start with Deanna, climbing up to one of the platforms overlooking the walls. Awww, she’s at the first panel and Reg signed it. Poor, poor Reg. Poor, poor Deanna.

Oh, hey! There’s Tobin! Nice to see you alive, dude! Wasn’t sure you made it. Nice of you to help with the clearing of the dead. I really hope someone made at least one Monty Python joke on set.

Michonne is down below telling Maggie and Rosita about Glenn. That’s not a fun conversation.

Then we hear Rick yelling for them to open the gates. He, apparently, got through all of those walkers and just RAN home.

That’s a lot of walkers out there. And Deanna is freaking the fuck out. Not that I blame her, really.

Rick starts giving a vintage Rick Grimes pep talk, which consists of scaring the hell out of everyone.

Rick, if you don’t want to rile up the Walkers outside, maybe try NOT standing right by the fence while you speechify? Maybe take everyone inside somewhere so the walkers don’t smell fresh meat and hear y’all talking? Maybe?

Ron, was fingering his knife while looking at Carl. DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT.

Aaron confesses that he lost his backpack at the cannery and that the Wolves must have followed their tracks back.

EVERYBODY BE NICE TO AARON. He’s a sweet little cinammon roll.

Deanna walks off without a word and Tobin calls for her to come back.

Um, guys, I think Deanna might be done right now. Like, DONE done.

Jessie drags the Wolf woman she killed out of her house. Those floors are just never going to be the same, girl. Ugh. She’s is contemplating the growing pile of bodies and starts digging graves until Rick stops her and tells her “We don’t bury killers inside”. Great, Rick, do you have a walk in freezer somewhere that will hold them and keep them from decomposing out in someone’s backyard? Gross.

OMG, then we cut to the pantry where people are FREAKING out because their families might starve. Because there have been walkers outside for five minutes. GET. A. GRIP. It’s like people here in Seattle who hear we’re going to have a little snow and go clean the grocery story out of bottled water and bread just in case Snowmageddon hits and they can’t leave home for a month. They irritate me, too.

Everyone rushes the shelves. Deanna is watching and Olivia gives her the best look of “Can you back a bitch up, here?” to no avail.

Anyway, Spencer steps up in a surprisingly intelligent way and talks his fellow Alexandrians out of storming the pantry and hoarding all the canned peaches so nobody else can have them.

One of the Alexandrians makes a snide comment about Spencer going to check to see if the gate is closed and Spencer comes back with “yeah, I did that”, then reminds them that he also stopped the truck from taking down the walls. And comes back at the guy with “Where were you, Bruce?” I loved that part. Put down the cans and go back home to cry like a little bitch, Bruce.

Deanna saw the whole thing. Mama proud.

Aaron goes for a walk in Alexandria and spots all sorts of interesting things. First, he sees Maggie doing something with rebar and flashlights and rope. Whatcha doin’ Mags?

Then Aaron sees a bunch of the women painting the names of all of the dead on the inside of the wall, including Nicholas and Glenn. PREMATURE, LADIES.

Also, why the hell is everyone hanging out at the walls when they are surrounded by walkers? Seriously???

Poor Aaron is getting eaten up with guilt, so he follows Maggie to the armory and tells her he’s going to help her go find Glenn. AND that he knows a safer way to get out. Hmmmm, secret tunnel to the White House?

Back with Deanna, she goes into a planning frenzy. Pulling out plans of the community and sketching in crops and mills and all sorts of stuff. She writes a latin quote at the bottom: “Dolor hic tibi proderit olim.”

Thanks to the Internets, I can tell you this is the second part of a quote by Ovid. The whole quote is actually, “Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim,” which translates as, “Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you.”

That’s a pretty good thing to keep in mind in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, I suppose.

Deanna’s planning frenzy is interrupted by Drunk Spencer dropping a glass in the kitchen. From which he is drinking something whiskey-ish looking that he totally stole from the pantry along with a bunch of other stuff. The drunkenness is actually a fairly reasonable reaction to the situation, but stealing stuff from the pantry is a total dick move, Spencer. Deanna is not pleased with him, either. Especially when he says he deserves one last celebration, since they are all going to be dead soon.

Oh, Spencer. You weenie.

And THEN he lays the blame for everything on his Mom. Which is kind of the truth, but it’s not like she did it maliciously. Once again, dick move Spencer.

Deanna and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Cut to Ron. God, this kid is on my last aching nerve. At least he took the annoying hat off, though. He’s playing with his knife and gets all huffy when Carl comes looking for Enid. He reminds Carl that Enid was his girlfriend first. Which is true, Carl. Carl asks Ron to help him get over the wall to find Enid and Ron says no. And then the two of them get into the MOST HILARIOUS SLAP FIGHT EVER.

Well, maybe not that bad. More like…

Asshole Ron has a point, Carl.

Also, Carl, please ask Ron’s Mom to give you a haircut. It’s verging on bouffant.

Next we join poor Denise having a quiet nervous breakdown on the floor of the infirmary. Scott is in the bed, unconscious. Tara comes to check on Denise and give her a Tara pep talk.

By the way, have I mentioned how much I love the actress playing Denise? She was the only reason I watched Nurse Jackie for a while. I’m so happy every time she comes on screen.

Also, I so sympathize with Denise. He whole fantasy that a real doctor will show up at the gates and let her go back to her apartment to read “War and Peace” is so what I would want. Please just let me escape from this insanely stressful nightmare in which I am in so far over my head.

Just listen to Tara, Denise. She won’t steer you wrong. She’s my Apocalypse Bestie.

In another corner of Alexandria, Jessie notices something weird about a neighbor’s house and goes to investigate. It turns out her neighbor slit her wrists and has turned. Her neighbor, Betsy. HER NEIGHBOR BETSY. Who was married to Cool Guy Married to Betsy. I’M SO SORRY, BETSY!!!!

Turns out Cool Guy’s name was David. David and Betsy. Pour one out.

Other Alexandrians notice what’s going on and freak out uselessly. Jessie steps up and puts Betsy down with a very delicate knife to the eye. Poor Jessie. She’s having a bad day, too. Then she speechifies like Rick and tells her neighbors they have to fight to live.

“This is what life looks like now. We have to fight it. Because if we don’t, we die.”

Denise catches her speech, which I’m assuming will give her a little inspiration to woman up.

Oh, yay! Aaron is taking Maggie through the sewers! Because knee high water hiding walkers in dark places is not at all terrifying.

They come across a ladder that has fallen and blocked where they need to go. Of course, Aaron gets winged by it and then OMG THE GROSSEST SEWER WALKERS EVER.

So. Slimy.

At one point, I’m positive that Maggie is trying to shove her hand up the chest cavity to reach up and take Sewer Walker 1’s head off.

I can only imagine that the actors took the world’s longest showers after filming this. Yech. I don’t want to think about what the art department put in that water.

Denise figures out how to cure Scott! GO DENISE! SUCK THAT PUS! Bravo, girl. Hot damn, indeed.

Once again, Rick is on top of the wall. Rick, how ’bout you don’t taunt the walkers by flaunting your alive deliciousness at them?

Ron comes to join him. Rick, don’t trust Ron. That kid is going to be nothing but trouble.

DO NOT GIVE THAT CHILD A GUN, RICK.

Damn it.

Go Tara and Denise!

YAY!

And here comes Maggie to BREAK MY DAMN HEART.

When Maggie cries, we all cry. Girl, he is FINE and you are going to have babies and grandbabies and die in each others arms at 95 THE END. Because I fucking said so.

And here comes Sam to break my heart again. He won’t come downstairs because he says that nothing has changed upstairs. That poor baby boy. I love that his mom took a break from cleaning up corpses to bake his ass some cookies and proceeds to TOTALLY use Mom logic to try to trick him halfway down the stairs. She’s doing the best she can. I like Jessie. I would totally share a bottle of whisky, sneak cigs and ugly cry with her in the zombie apocalypse.

And Deanna, meet your first walker. Deanna, Wolf Walker. Wolf Walker, Deanna.

Good for Deanna for not freaking out and freezing! She didn’t quite get the memo about making sure to hit the brain, but that’s a pretty badass first walker kill! Go girl!

You know what I would have loved right here? I would have loved for Rick to say that he and Deanna should lead together. They could balance each other really nicely. They could both use the checks and balances of the other.

I have decided that Deanna is tough as hell. I hope she sticks around. She has badass potential.

Maggie and Aaron are back, overlooking the wall and Mags decides “Fuck those people putting Glenn’s name on the memorial wall”. I’m glad Maggie has a best gay now. Every girl should have a best gay.

Rosita is up on the wall, obviously a fuck of a lot more worried about Abe than she has been letting on. Spencer comes to relieve her and she gives him props for taking out the truck. He says he just got lucky and she tells him “good or lucky, it doesn’t really matter”. True, that.

Spencer takes out his stolen crackers and munches away.

Rick goes to tell Jessie why he wanted to wait to bury those bodies. He wanted to wait in case they need the space for Glenn, Daryl, Sasha, or Abraham.

SHUT UP, GRIMES. THEY WILL BE FINE. Because I said so.

Rick kisses Jessie, of course. I mean, we all knew that was coming, right?

I really like Jessie, but I still want Rick and Michonne to make babies. Sigh.

Also, I was totally waiting for one of her kids to walk in and freak the fuck out. Which they would kind of be entitled to do. Their dad JUST got killed. He was a dick, but he JUST died.

Here comes Deanna, showered and changed to bang on the fence. Don’t taunt the walkers, Deanna. She walks off and, um, why is the wall bleeding? Did Spencer off himself up on the platform? Eat a cracker then slit his wrists? Are the walkers smushing each other up against the wall and their goo is coming through the cracks between panels?

Next Week on The Walking Dead:

Lots of Daryl, Sasha and Abraham. Not even a little tiny bit of Glenn, goddamnit.

Current Headcanon: