Dear Writers of The Walking Dead,

I’m not even going to bother asking. Whatever. You have broken me.

Love,

Jill

We open with Daryl, Sasha, and Abe ditching the herd. FINALLY.

And we’re driving peacefully down the road and WTF GUNSHOTS?????? Who are those assholes???

Sasha and Abe crash through a fence after getting their tires shot out, then come out firing and kill the guys in the car behind them. Abe is grinning like he just won the lottery and Sasha is having none of his nonsense.

Daryl lays down the bike, then gets back on and eventually shakes the SUV chasing him in the woods. Suddenly he’s riding through burnt out forest. What the hell? Creepy much? Is this Sleepy Hollow? He stops the bike and collapses to take a little rest next to what looks like a member of Daft Punk in walker form.

The aerial shot is nice, though.

And reminiscent of….

Credits. Sans Steven. Assholes.

Daryl is pushing his bike through the burnt woods. So many crunchy skeletons.

Daryl is having a little trouble walking the bike. He can’t get Sasha and Abraham on the radio, then notices that he’s dripping blood off of his left arm. Baby boy got shredded when he laid that bike down.

I probably should not be appreciating that as much as I do.

He goes to get supplies to patch himself up and hears something in the bushes. Just go the other way, Daryl, ok? JUST GO THE OTHER….

He gets knocked out by some skinny blonde dude after finding two girls. When he wakes up again, the dude who knocked him out is giving him serious intense Grimes Eyes. He tells Daryl to shut up after Daryl tries to tell them he’s not who they think he is and off they go into the woods.

They tie his hands in front of him which is JUST STUPID. Amateurs.

Who the hell are these people running from? Blonde Grimes says something about “You feel you gotta kneel? We don’t.”

Kneel to whom, exactly???

These three are obviously from around here and are talking about picking up Patty and getting the hell out. How do you know Patty isn’t dead? Who is Patty? Who are YOU?

These three used a fuel truck and burned up all the walkers in the area at the beginning. They thought everyone was fighting the walkers and that humans would be victorious together. They realize now they were stupid. Daryl asks them if they aren’t being stupid now, which REALLY DARYL? IS NOW THE TIME TO MOUTH OFF?

No, it is not.

Blond Grimes says something about how Daryl made the choice to kill for someone else to have a roof over your head and three squares. Who the fuck are they running from???

They come out of the woods at the Patrick Fuel and Oil Company. Patty is gone. Is Patty one of the walkers in there? The blond girl tells the other two to go back and blame her for them leaving. Then she collapses.

Daryl grabs their bag and hauls ass out. Gets his hands unbound, still can’t get Sasha and Abraham on the radio and here comes the mossiest damn walker I have ever seen.

Awwww, there’s a Cherokee Rose growing out of its back! Remember?

And there’s Insulin in the bag. Daryl, just leave it there so they can find it. You haul ass out of there. SERIOUSLY.

Abe and Sasha try to find Daryl and realize that he’s gone. Abe thinks Daryl is on his way back to Alexandria, but Sasha insists that he’ll be back and that they should stay put and wait for him to find them. Then she puts a big old footprint in a mud puddle and heads out. Daryl’s a tracker. Gotta leave tracks.

Sasha writes “Dixon” on the door of a building and they head in to hunker down, but only after she scolds Abe about his eagerness to leave a trail of dead walkers to let everyone know exactly where they are.

Abe finds a military dress uniform and photo of a soldier with his family while he’s clearing the building. Poor Abe. He seriously misses being a soldier. He finds Sasha in an office watching a walker who seems to be stuck in a locked conference room.

The walker seems to have written a message on the whiteboard: “Proud to have provided value. I pray for the world. Keep going. Stay cheerful. The bites kill.”

Stay cheerful.

Abe is freaking out. “This out new home? Shall we give him a name?” Sasha is taking none of his bullshit, demands that Abe tell her why he insisted on coming with her. He says she was out of control. She tells him she’s in control now and is he really in control? He says he wants to kill everything in his path because “Loose ends makes my ass itch.”

Classic Abe. Then Sasha calls bullshit.

Daryl brings the stupid bag back to the three stooges. He demands something in return for the duffel on principle. He takes the thing the guy was carving and throws their bag back to them. It’s a little soldier. Fitting nicely with our theme. Also, you know this will come back around, so here’s a capture of it.

Next thing you know, there is a big-ass truck driving through the woods. Why is there a big-ass truck driving through the woods? Who are these dudes in Wranglers and boots?

Brunette girl yells to them that “We earned what we took.” Which was what? Insulin?

These dudes are definitely not Wolves. They’re all clean and weaponized and organized. The Wolves are a little more into batshit chaos.

Blonde Grimes yells that “We’re done kneeling”. Kneeling to whom? Why? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Daryl is a sweet cupcake underneath all that dirt, so OF COURSE he helps them run and gives them the effing gun back. He lures one of the bad guys closer so that he gets bit by a charred, toasty walker. Bad guy’s friend hacks the bitten arm off and basically tells him to walk it off. Yikes. Once again, I hope there were no missed opportunities for Monty Python jokes.

The bad guys decide to leave and one of them says they’re going to give up because “He only wants assets willing.” What? Assets? Huh?

Blonde Grimes is incredulous that Daryl is not one of those guys, yet came back to help them even after they did what they did to him. He says “Maybe I’m stupid, too.”

Maybe, Dixon. Maybe.

The next morning, Abe spots a walker soldier suspended on a broken fence, but with a RPG launcher on his back. Then he finds a case of RPGs and a box of Cubans.

Abe crawls out to get the launcher and has a little wrestling match/yell-off with the Walker on a Stick.

In the end, the walker falls off his stick and leaves the launcher behind. Sometimes things just work out nicely, don’t they, Abe?

RPGs and cigars. This is Abe’s favorite day.

Abe comes back to their hideout with his loot.

Sound familiar?

Then Abe makes some speech about needing to make some plays before he dies now that they have the basics covered in Alexandria. Then I think he makes a play for Sasha? He says he likes the way she calls bullshit and that he wants to get to know her a whole lot better.

WHAT THE FUCK, ABE!?!? ARE YOU TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH SASHA AND CHEAT ON MY GIRL ROSITA????

Thing is, though. Sasha doesn’t say no…..

Daryl is walking with his new friends. talking about what people would trade for safety. (Everything, BTW).

They run across some kids the girls used to babysit that they apparently got killed in the fire they set. Of course, diabetic girl falls on top of them and gets killed.

Daryl helps them dig graves and recruits them for Alexandria. He’s so freaking awkward asking the three questions. I just love him to pieces.

They go get his bike and take off to find Sasha and Abe and GODDAMN IT.

YOU FUCKERS ARE TAKING THE BIKE AND THE CROSSBOW????

They’re not bad people, I don’t think. They’re just so terrified that they will do whatever they THINK they have to. Dummies. You crossed the wrong dude. Please don’t lose all faith in humanity, Daryl!

Daryl makes his way back to Daft Punk Walker. He sees something on the ground with the fuel company’s name. Is it a fuel tank? What is it? A sign? Then he follows the tracks to a covered up truck.

OH, THAT’S PATTY! The TRUCK!

At least they left him a damn knife so that he can kill the driver stuck in the cab of the truck.

Back with Abe and Sasha. Abe comes out in the dress blues, looking all handsome.

He and Sasha have a moment of some sort. I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

AND here comes Daryl. They’re on the road back to Alexandria and…

Wait. WHAT?

Who’s that? Is that Glenn? GLENN???

“How To Make The Entire Walking Dead Fandom Freak Out with One Word”

Reedus says it’s not him, but we all know that the cast and crew of The Walking Dead are lying liars who lie, so I don’t trust that.

I don’t know. He had a radio….

Maybe?

Tune in next week when I am ABSOLUTELY sure that Glenngate will not be resolved. Mid-Season finale is November 29. That’ll be when it happens. Ugh.